How To Be A Successful Politician In Nigeria: 10 Quick Tips.

"When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think; 'How Tragic!'. Even if the car has suffered just a tiny dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair".
- Jarod Kintz

So you want to be a successful politician in the most populous black nation in the world and you don't know how to go about it huh?. No worries, just read through this list, apply each tip diligently and you're well on your way to becoming a very successful politician in Nigeria, I mean so successful that the generations of your generations yet unborn will continue to live in affluence long after you're gone.

1. The very first thing you must do is to ensure the total annihilation of your conscience. Having a conscience is extremely detrimental to your career as a politician, especially on these shores.
2. If you don't know how to lie with a straight face,you should at least learn how to be diplomatic with the truth....it's very essential.
3. Now, certain words like integrity, dignity and compassion, must not exist in your dictionary.
4. If you actually grew up in abject poverty, you must continue to repeat your story over and over again just so you can gain public sympathy. Eg. "I had no shoes". Even if you had a quite comfortable life, you can always come up with a classic Nollywood-esque grass to grace story, then get a couple of ass lickers to corroborate your story.
5. You are nothing without a godfather. You must have a godfather, who will single-handedly ensure that you even get to contest for a place in office (and in some cases, single-handedly "puts" you in office) but be prepared, it comes with a price. The private bank accounts of your godfather must be consistently serviced with a lion's share of the public funds at your disposal.
6. You must learn to see the masses as unfortunate lots who have absolutely no value, except of course when election is on the horizon. At this point, you will, in your nicest demeanour, go back to them and share just about any food item you can lay your hand on; rice (uncooked), fufu, garri, solid pap etc. Because they are extremely impoverished (and probably stupid), they won't be able to resist the temptation of selling their votes for almost nothing. Also, while your children are tucked away in a safe haven, you will need their children to perform dangerous stunts that might lead to death while campaigning for you. Really, if they die, who cares?.
7. You must learn how to portray yourself as the most righteous man on the planet and at the same damn time, portray your opponents as the worst things to ever happen to humanity.
8. Whilst in office, before you even think about emergency national issues, you must first attend to party issues, because it won't be a wise thing to 'bite the fingers that fed you'. Besides, maintaining a good relationship with your party 'top dogs' almost guarantees you an extra term in office as well as 'plenty plenty' bonus packages long after you've left office.
9. You must also have a very close relationship with all the religious leaders and traditional rulers. Your religion or tribe doesn't particularly matter, it will just be in your best interest to "network" with ALL the religious leaders and traditional rulers.
10. You must have 2 agendas. One for the press and the general public, herein; you'll talk about the same old bull that your predecessors talked about; provision of basic amenities, employment, quality and free education, increase in salaries etc. which you will NEVER implement. The second one, however should be hidden because it's going to be just for you, your family and your circle of friends which will also include your almighty godfather. This agenda will include laid out schemes and plans for expensive, needless foreign trips and a luxurious lifestyle. Now, don't you worry about the expenses, the benevolent but abjectly poor masses will provide that.

So there you have it folks!....Cheerio!

One 'Strange' Aircraft

Now, as an individual blessed with a brain that is functioning optimally, would you rather focus on speculation when the facts are staring at you right in the face?. Would you rather believe a tale that has not been proven (and which might never will) over an unfortunate situation that has occurred before our very eyes?. My guess is "Hell to the No"!, you are waaay too smart and educated to have such a wayward line of thought. As far as I am concerned, the 'strange aircraft' conspiracy theory is absolute bull... nothing but a mere speculation, a mere "perhaps", a mere "seems like", because no one is 100% sure that the so-called aircraft had anything whatsoever to do with the collapsed building (except of course, TB Joshua and his cohort). For the love of God, we do not even know the colour of this strange aircraft!. If we at least do, experts will surely be able to verify if it is the same aircraft that flew across 4 times, and collapsed the building, by probably dropping some magic potion on the building or by dropping one very advance hi-tech device (sounds stupid, but isn't that what he is trying to make us believe?). As it stands, we don't . But what we know for sure, what we know for a FACT, is that the said building was not meant to carry the capacity it carried just before its collapse. What we know for a FACT is that the building was initially a 2-storey building burdened, rather unfortunately, by another 3 storeys. What we know for a FACT is that the building eventually fell like a pack of cards in about 3 seconds (or less). What we know for a FACT is that scores of people seeking the face of God eventually lost their lives in a supposed 'holy environment'. What we know for a FACT, according to the Lagos State Commissioner for Physical Planning and Urban Development, Mr. Olutoyin Ayinde, is that this building HAD NO APPROVED BUILDING PLAN. And most certainly, what we know for a FACT is that this is or was a tragedy, a fatal error that could have been prevented!. To make matters worse, the statement released by the church, where no reference whatsoever was made to the fact that the collapsed building might have/might have not been approved, in my opinion, just showed their gross insensitivity. The only thing close to an explanation that was given, was that of the strange aircraft which we've probably heard about a thousand times already. They simply saw, and still see this as an attack on their 'spiritual leader' and not as carelessness on their part. They didn't see the need to give full details to the concerned public, obviously trying to cover up the ones that might portray them in a bad light. More like they were only really concerned about the image (or should I say 'brand') of the church and their revered spiritual leader. As for me, trying to play the "they-are-after-my-life" card by TB Joshua is something I'll be smart enough to take with a pinch of salt. Not because I hate the man (I don't), nor because I don't value his life as a human being (I do), but because I perfectly understand that as a public figure (rich/famous) whether you like/accept it or not, there is a pretty good chance that your life is under threat, due to the fact that not everyone within/outside your circle will be pleased with your achievements. Besides, a pastor who has been, for many years and still is, constantly fighting demons and battling all kinds of agents of darkness (apparent direct threats to his life) should have very little to be scared of. No?. Ok, moving on. That said, I implore all Nigerians to focus on the fact and ditch this cock and bull story. We SHALL NOT be swayed by it until it is proven as a fact. Now, God said in the Bible (don't ask me where) dat "no sinner shall go unpunished". In this case, those responsible for the deaths of these scores of people and injuries sustained by several others, due to their negligence and obvious carelessness should not be allowed to go unpunished!. Yes, the ministry has to 'mooooove'. Yes, the ministry has to grow, expand and thrive. But it SHOULDN'T be at the expense of innocent souls. Be careful people, we are now in a world of 'strange aircrafts' and 'conspiracy theories'. #OwnUpToYourMistakes #StopInsultingOurCollectiveIntelligence #RIPtotheDeparted The Freedom Writer P.S: If you think I wrote this because I have anything against TB Joshua or SCOAN as a whole, Guess what, I gat no worries, won't lose sleep because of another brainwashed idiot. Bye!