"When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think; 'How Tragic!'. Even if the car has suffered just a tiny dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair".
- Jarod Kintz
So you want to be a successful politician in the most populous black nation in the world and you don't know how to go about it huh?. No worries, just read through this list, apply each tip diligently and you're well on your way to becoming a very successful politician in Nigeria, I mean so successful that the generations of your generations yet unborn will continue to live in affluence long after you're gone.
1. The very first thing you must do is to ensure the total annihilation of your conscience. Having a conscience is extremely detrimental to your career as a politician, especially on these shores.
2. If you don't know how to lie with a straight face,you should at least learn how to be diplomatic with the truth....it's very essential.
3. Now, certain words like integrity, dignity and compassion, must not exist in your dictionary.
4. If you actually grew up in abject poverty, you must continue to repeat your story over and over again just so you can gain public sympathy. Eg. "I had no shoes". Even if you had a quite comfortable life, you can always come up with a classic Nollywood-esque grass to grace story, then get a couple of ass lickers to corroborate your story.
5. You are nothing without a godfather. You must have a godfather, who will single-handedly ensure that you even get to contest for a place in office (and in some cases, single-handedly "puts" you in office) but be prepared, it comes with a price. The private bank accounts of your godfather must be consistently serviced with a lion's share of the public funds at your disposal.
6. You must learn to see the masses as unfortunate lots who have absolutely no value, except of course when election is on the horizon. At this point, you will, in your nicest demeanour, go back to them and share just about any food item you can lay your hand on; rice (uncooked), fufu, garri, solid pap etc. Because they are extremely impoverished (and probably stupid), they won't be able to resist the temptation of selling their votes for almost nothing. Also, while your children are tucked away in a safe haven, you will need their children to perform dangerous stunts that might lead to death while campaigning for you. Really, if they die, who cares?.
7. You must learn how to portray yourself as the most righteous man on the planet and at the same damn time, portray your opponents as the worst things to ever happen to humanity.
8. Whilst in office, before you even think about emergency national issues, you must first attend to party issues, because it won't be a wise thing to 'bite the fingers that fed you'. Besides, maintaining a good relationship with your party 'top dogs' almost guarantees you an extra term in office as well as 'plenty plenty' bonus packages long after you've left office.
9. You must also have a very close relationship with all the religious leaders and traditional rulers. Your religion or tribe doesn't particularly matter, it will just be in your best interest to "network" with ALL the religious leaders and traditional rulers.
10. You must have 2 agendas. One for the press and the general public, herein; you'll talk about the same old bull that your predecessors talked about; provision of basic amenities, employment, quality and free education, increase in salaries etc. which you will NEVER implement. The second one, however should be hidden because it's going to be just for you, your family and your circle of friends which will also include your almighty godfather. This agenda will include laid out schemes and plans for expensive, needless foreign trips and a luxurious lifestyle. Now, don't you worry about the expenses, the benevolent but abjectly poor masses will provide that.
So there you have it folks!....Cheerio!
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